How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready to Have Children...
Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are
not available, you maysubstitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Puton a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats
are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always
keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.
Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway
with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug
swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops
or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00
PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every
song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too
until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep
this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and
attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set
your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed
to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your
paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small
child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience,
tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time
you will have all the answers.